Most Popular John Mulaney Quotes

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Best quotes of John Mulaney with hilarious comedy and motivation from his own life, that helps your life motivated with pure entertainment.

John Edmund Mulaney is an American stand-up comedian, actor, writer and producer. He was born August 26, 1982 in Chicago, Illinois, U.S. He is best known for his work as a writer on Saturday Night Live and as a stand-up comedian with stand-up specials.

He won the Primetime Emmy Award for Outstanding Writing for a Variety Special in 2018 and also he owns Writers Guild of America Award in 2009 and 2010 as Best Comedy/Variety Series and Primetime Emmy Awards for Outstanding Music and Lyrics in 2011. He was the creator and star of the short-lived Fox sitcom Mulaney, a semi-autobiographical series about his life.

Mulaney also performed as a character called George St. Geegland in a comedic duo with Nick Kroll, most recently in Oh, Hello on Broadway from September 2016 through early 2017. He is also known for his voice acting work as Andrew Glouberman in the Netflix original animated show Big Mouth. Mulaney made his film debut in 2018, voicing Peter Porker/Spider-Ham in the Academy Award winning animated feature film Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse.

John Mulaney quotes about life

“I’m a very lucky person. I’m an idiot, and I’ve shoveled through life rather nicely so far, so I don’t feel like I deserve good treatment.” – John Mulaney

“You can do good work simply staying up all night and eating nothing but junk food, but probably not in the long term.” – John Mulaney

“I like when things are crazy. Something good comes out of exhaustion.” – John Mulaney

“I am very small and I have no money. So you can imagine the kind of stress that I am under.” – John Mulaney

“I’ll keep all my emotions right here. And then one day I’ll die.” – John Mulaney

“13-year-olds are the meanest people in the world. They terrify me to this day because 8th graders will make fun of you but in an accurate way. They will get to the thing that you don’t like about you. They don’t even have to look at you long.” – John Mulaney

“You start doing something and you want it to be perfect right away, but most babies are born ugly and then they shake it out and you get beautiful toddlers.” – John Mulaney

“Going on the road for long stretches can seem daunting, and I certainly miss being home sometimes, but the chance to see so many different cities, let alone perform in them, is something I am really grateful for.” – John Mulaney

“I like making fun of myself a lot. I like being made fun or, too. I’ve always enjoyed it. There’s just something really, really funny about someone tearing into me.” – John Mulaney

“Stand-up for me is just my opinions on things, so it wouldn’t be as fun translated into a sketch. Nor would a sketch be as fun if it were me standing there saying it.” – John Mulaney

“I’ll book a ticket on some garbage airline. I don’t wanna name an actual airline so let’s make one up, let’s just call it like Delta Airlines.” – John Mulaney

“It’s nice when you’re nervous and everybody’s like, “Yeah, you should be nervous.” Because a lot of times you’re anxious and people say, “Relax. Shut up.” And that just feels like, Well, I guess I’m also crazy.” – John Mulaney

“College was like a four-year game show called ‘Do My Friends Hate Me or Do I Just Need to Go to Sleep?” – John Mulaney

“I don’t look older; I just look worse.” – John Mulaney

“You all have a relative who is an expert even though they really don’t know what they’re talking about.’’– John Mulaney

“I’ve always believed that you often need less. You don’t need to hear why people are friends, you don’t need to hear why people are roommates, you don’t need to hear why someone would help a friend to do something.” – John Mulaney

“In every case, I find pre-planning noble, but not always that useful in comedy. You know comedy once you’re doing it.” – John Mulaney

“I like that idea that what I do might be mainstream. Might be.” – John Mulaney

“Things have to be funny first, and if they want to have a point, that’s awesome.” – John Mulaney

“You have your law practice, and me, I have all these fucking markers.” – John Mulaney

“Late at night, on the street, women will see me as a threat. That is funny, yeah! It’s kind of flattering in its own way, but at the same time it’s weird because, like, I’m still afraid of being kidnapped.” – John Mulaney

Motivational John Mulaney quotes

“You can’t always see both sides of the story. Eventually, you have to pick a side and stick with it. No more equivocating. You have to commit.” – John Mulaney

“The more you do stuff, the better you get at dealing with how you still fail at it a lot of the time.” – John Mulaney

“I don’t make plans anymore. So I’m not living minute to minute.” – John Mulaney

If you are a school student, your opinion does not matter.” – John Mulaney

“It’s really fun to be writing and producing your own sketches. You almost have more control.” – John Mulaney

“I wish I could go tell 12-year-old me like I don’t worry that you just fainted in front of all the girls, one day you’ll be able to make this into an episode of TV.” – John Mulaney

Funny John Mulaney quotes from his life

“I’ll book a ticket on some garbage airline. I don’t wanna name an actual airline so let’s make one up, let’s just call it like Delta Airlines.” – John Mulaney

“For those of you who don’t know what it is, blackout drinking is when your brain goes to sleep, but your body gets all ‘Eye of the Tiger’ and soldiers on.” – John Mulaney

“We started chanting, McDonald’s, McDonald’s, McDonald’s! And my dad pulled into the drive-thru, and we started cheering and then he ordered one black coffee for himself and kept driving.” – John Mulaney

“All my money is in a savings account. My dad has explained the stock market to me maybe 75 times. I still don’t understand it.” – John Mulaney

“I played basketball for five years and I was a benchwarmer all five years. If you were never a benchwarmer, I cannot express to you the humiliation of every Saturday morning, putting on a pair of breakaway pants and never having a reason to break them away — then they’re just pants.” – John Mulaney

“I’m like an iPhone, it’s going to be worse versions of every year, plus I get super-hot in the middle of the afternoon for no reason.” – John Mulaney

“College was like a four-year game show called “do my friends hate me or do i just need to go to sleep?” – john mulaney

“I quit drinking because I used to drink too much, then I would black out and I would ruin parties.” – John Mulaney

“Late at night, on the street, women will see me as a threat. That is funny, yeah! It’s kind of flattering in its own way, but at the same time, it’s weird because, like, I’m still afraid of being kidnapped.” – John Mulaney

“I look back on being 17 and think, “Oh my God, how did I not die?” – John Mulaney

“My vibe is like, hey you could probably pour soup in my lap and I’ll apologize to you.” – John Mulaney

“Irish people don’t want comfort. Look at a sweater made in Ireland. It’s like a turtleneck made out of Brillo pads.” – John Mulaney

“It’s 100% easier not to do things than to do them.” – John Mulaney

“Just because you’re accurate doesn’t mean you’re interesting.” – John Mulaney

“Girl Scout cookies are delicious! They come in Thin Mint and Samoa and also other flavors. How come I have to know a child in a beret to order them? Just sell me the cookies. I have American money. Just put them in a store and I’ll buy them.” – John Mulaney

“According to the Girl Scouts website you cannot buy Girl Scout cookies online. Do you know what you can buy online? Everything.” – John Mulaney

“Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?’’ You’re not allowed to milk a cow that you don’t own. That’s not even a situation. Was that a problem at one point?” – John Mulaney

“You have the moral backbone of a chocolate eclair.” – John Mulaney

“Email viruses bring people together in amazing ways.” – John Mulaney

“I had a producer tell me I couldn’t use the word midget because it was ‘worse than the n-word’… First off… No, it’s not. If you’re comparing the badness of two words and you won’t even say one of them, that’s the worse word.” – John Mulaney

“I was once on the telephone with Blockbuster Video, which is a very old-fashioned sentence.” – John Mulaney

“Do you want a salad or fries? That’s like asking, ‘Do you want to go for a jog or freebase cocaine?’” – John Mulaney

“You should be able to say I don’t know. That should be an acceptable answer on a test.” – John Mulaney

“I always thought that quicksand was gonna be a much bigger problem than it turned out to be. You watch cartoons and quicksand is like the third biggest thing you have to worry about, behind the actual sticks of dynamite and giant anvils falling on you from the sky.” – John Mulaney

“Here’s how easy it was to get away with bank robbery back in the ’30s — as long as you weren’t still there when the police arrived, you had a 99% chance of getting away with it.” – John Mulaney

“I have a lot of stories about being a kid because it was the last time I was interesting.” – John Mulaney

“I don’t look like someone who used to do anything. I look like I was just sitting in a room with a chair eating saltines for 28 years and then walked right out here.” – John Mulaney

“In terms of like, instant relief, canceling plans is like heroin.” – John Mulaney

“I like to turn on the TV and watch whatever’s on. Nick Kroll does that a lot. He doesn’t watch important shows. He’ll just turn on a documentary on Mia Hamm and watch it for an hour. Whatever’s on, we watch.” – John Mulaney

“It was funny to be an emcee, because you’re so at the mercy of the club. You can show up for the weekend hoping to get the $400 – and get fired. I had to prank whoever they told me to prank.” – John Mulaney

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